Japan's not having any sex, but neither are you

So I found this gem on the interweb: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/dec/27/japan-men-sexless-love

 Hilarious.  No, it doesn't have anything to do with black people.  But I told you, not all my posts will.  I am familiar with the term otaku, which is basically used to describe a person who locks themselves away in their room, beating off, playing computer games, and reading manga all day.  Does that sound familiar?  It should.  And it's the reason why a lot of you reading this shouldn't be laughing.  World of Warcraft, muthafucka.  Call of Duty, muthafucka.  NBA 2k12, nigga, stop laughin.'  Yeah, it's funny that 61% of unmarried Japanese men are falling in love with pillows and video game cartridges, but a lot of y'all are but a hop, skip, and fap away from that boat.

Anyway, this was a quick little post I used to give me a little more time on the main course meals.  What I've got for you to wrap up 2011 is of course a year in review post, and heading off 2012 some big ones:  What do Tiger Woods and Roy Williams have in common?  The King Koopa David Stern is back in power and all is right in Super Nigga World, aka the NBA, and why Men's Health just became the dumbest mag in the universe.  See you soon.

It's Gotta Be the Shoes...No, Scratch that, It's Gotta Be the Culture

I'm gonna start this post right off with a disclaimer.  This whole Jordan shoe mess has got me feeling some kinda way, simply because I'm straight up tired of niggas.  This post contains gratuitous use of the word 'nigga,' since it's you niggas that I'm talking to.  So if you think you'll be offended by any of the shit I'm getting ready to say, then you're probably a nigga and I suggest you close out of this page before you even hit the end of this sentence, nigga.

 White people buy dog sweaters.

Niggas buy expensive ass J's.

 First, of all, for any non-niggas reading this that don't know what I'm talking about yet, because you're, I don't know, civilized, I'll fill you in.  Michael Jordan re-released one of his most legendary shoes, the Jordan XI Concords, last Friday at midnight.  Now, before we go any further, let me break down that last sentence.  Jordan hasn't made any new shoes lately, this shit people were killing and robbing and bitching over was a re-release.  This was apparently a legendary shoe because they were the shoes he wore during his championship campaign in the 1995-1996 season.

 Niggas in Texas:

 This nigga licked his shoe.  On camera!  This is the type of shit that made Youtube the 21st century hit minstrel show.  First of all, let's look at when these shoes first came out.  1995.  That means he was wearing these when I was a little boy, and couldn't give a flying fuck about shoes because all of mine had straps and Power Rangers on them.  That means, any little kids that were reportedly getting jumped over these shoes had no business wanting a pair of 1995 Jordans.  The only way I could see them developing this ridiculous obsession is from this nigga-ass culture, inherited from their nigga-ass siblings and parents, which is something that needs to stop.  How are you 10-11 years old, born in the 2000s, and really know who the fuck Jordan really is?  Now when this happened, and I heard about a young man getting killed, people getting trampled, and more importantly another incident occurring that black people are providing entertainment for white people, I got extremely angry at MJ.  How dare he do the things that powerful white men before him have done and found success in?  How dare he exploit consumers by employing simple, effective capitalist principles like supply and demand?  How dare he exploit his own people in such a way?  But then, I turned the finger and pointed it right back on me, because I knew I was being a hater.  Jordan is not your dad.  He doesn't even know you.  Some abstract connection based on the fact that the two of you are the same color skin means far less to him than the fact that his and your money is the same color.  And that's how it's always been.  And ultimately, I think that's what it comes down to.  Jordan doesn't owe you shit, he's not your dad.  The cold reality is, many of the people out there don't have dads.  So you look to these nigga celebrities to know how to be.

 Stuntin' like his daddy.  Whoever that may be...

When Obama won the presidency, niggas really thought they did something.  "Yes We Can." When really its "Yes I Did, you niggas barely made it to the polls that day."  You feel camaraderie that's perhaps so deeply ingrained in race, that you will look to everyone around you to learn how to be, even if the environment itself is negative.  If that rings true in black neighborhoods, which it does, and we've got a new generation of niglets already killing each other over some shoes from a guy who stopped winning titles before they were even born, we're fucked.  It's the culture.  Jordan's basketball career no longer has any effect on his shoe sales, because nigga kids have no inkling of who he is, but yet are still craving these shoes.

 START 'EM EARLY

Naturally, I'm a bastard for not feeling any sympathy towards the people who got hurt or even killed in pursuit of a $200 shoe.  We are trained by society to feel bad and not laugh when stupid people get fucked up doing stupid things, like that pretty white girl who walked into a spinning propeller, we're not supposed to laugh at that.  We're not supposed to laugh at that, we're not...ok, I just had to convince myself to stop giggling.  Truth is, not a tear is shed and not a fuck is given about stupid people who get hurt doing vain shit.  Stop bullshitting me with the sob stories, like "my kids need these shoes.  Why would anyone take shoes from a child?"  Your kids need food.  They need education.  And if it were up to me, they'd need foster custody.  If you spend $200 on a shoe for your kid, don't bullshit and say its for them.  It's really for you.  No, you're not wearing them.  But it's vanity.  Putting your kids in things like Jordans, is a status gain.  You look richer than you are, for one, and two, at least to fellow niggas, you somehow look like a good parent.  Because you buy shit.  What that tells me is that you have no real connection with your child, and its still all about you.  It's like what the great Katt Williams said about Christmas shopping for his son.  You can either spend $100 on one really nice, really excessive toy, or you can make a pimpin' decision and go to the Dollar Store and buy 100 toys.  Which one do you think a little kid's gonna be most excited about?  Though I have no sympathy for the people who went to great lengths to get these shoes, that doesn't mean I don't carry a heavy weight in my heart for my fallen brethren.  You niggas truly know not what you do, and are the reason I even write this blog.  I will reach you niggas, someday, and hopefully soon, because God knows we need it.  Until next time.

Big Congressman versus Michelle Obama's Big Ass: What does booty mean to you?

Before I even start, let me just say that I'm not mad at Wisconsin Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner for his dumb comment that he apologized for being caught saying, because I know better and it's not like this is probably the first thing he's ever said on the sly about President Obama and his family.  I know better than that.  I'm not mad at white people for not liking big butts, either.  Hey, to each his own.  What I'm irate about is the credit.  What the fuck, this is a big ass to you??

That's a big ass to you.  That is a big ass to you.  What about this one:

 
                                            Pippa Middleton gained international fame for it.


Pippa Middleton.  Pippa Middleton is your idea of a nice ass.  Pippa Middleton, made legendary status in the U.S. for what too many people consider an ass.  Sensenbrenner, white people, that's not an ass.  That's barely a fanny.  

                                                               Can fit two Pippas in it.

  That's what you would call an ass.  I don't know how other people measure shit, but if Michelle Obama's what Sensenbrenner considers big, that's pretty weak.  But like I said, ridiculous as it sounds, I'm not here to judge.  I'm here to educate a little bit.  Let's begin by acknowledging that people's bodies simply aren't the same.  There are more people that exist outside the popular view that's printed in magazines or appears on T.V.  Big ass is one of them.  And though this approach may be a bit crude, the ass implies so much more than just something to put you bike in. 

Lesson One:

You cannot put the body standards you grew up with on everyone.  

Frankly, you shouldn't be putting them on anyone.  With this statement, admittedly I'm assuming some things.  For one, I'm assuming that Congressman Sensenbrenner didn't grow up around a lot of black women.  Shot in the dark, I know.  Having a fat ass when you're white usually equates to being a fat ass, which would explain why her having a 'larger posterior' would be so perplexing.  He assumed, as all fat people do, that anyone that's at all sizable in a few locations is not the big health nut they claim to be, and like a fat person, he called bullshit.  What he doesn't realize, which I'll attribute to his little fat white bubble, is that that's not fat.  That's something called social programming. 

 Pancakes anyone?

 Don't let that waist fool you.  I'm sure all she eats is chicken and giblets all day long.

The point I'm trying to make with that comparison is that both women take care of their bodies.  Their anatomy is a bit different, their proportions are a bit different, it has nothing to do with what they eat or whatever stupid shit you can think of.

Lesson Two:

Getting your idea of beauty from celebrities and models is a bad idea.


It's understandable, but also detrimental. The point is, what we see through the media more than anything shapes our self-image and what we see as attractive.  So, what do you do when you don't like what you look like, or see something in someone that might look better?  Well, if you have the power, perpetuate your image anywhere and everywhere.  Movies, television, fashion, magazines, until anything different looks weird.  And not only will they look weird to everyone else, but they'll think they're weird, too.  If that goes over your head, think about Majin Buu from DragonBall Z, who came off as a moron to the average viewer, but reading into his behavior, you'll find some pretty profound social commentary.  For example, this fat pink alien is cruising the city, looking for what else--booty.  He comes across this girl walking and reading a magazine, he tries to spit game and get a kiss.  Of course, he's the alien who's been 'accidentally' terrorizing the entire Earth, so she falls back and drops the magazine, screaming.  So this dummy thinks its because he's ugly to her, so he picks up the magazine, and finds an ad with this handsome blonde-haired, green-eyed Country Club lookin' dude.  He scrambles his face up with his alien powers so he looks somewhat like the guy in the ad, but not really.  Now he's ready for that kiss.  Denied.  The girl runs away in a frenzy.  To this he scoffs, "you Earth women don't know what you want."

Sale on Birkenstocks today! How splendid!

Majin Buu went on to live peacefully with humans on Earth and never got any pussy.  The end.  Perpetuated beauty won't apply to everyone, so when something a little out of the ordinary is encountered, it's immediately cast into an peculiar light.


One of the things I can't stand living as an African American in the 21st century, is not that one type of beauty is perpetuated (white or light-skinned, ribs showing, long hair), it's the damage it does to young girls on both sides.  White people, if she has a big ass, leave her alone! That is a blessing!  For me, for the world in general, it's wonderful.  Most of the time I can't even notice a good weave, so I can't speak on it.  But European make-up on black skin that doesn't need it makes me sad.  It tells me that we as a race, and this generation, are beginning to believe it.  How couldn't we?  We've grown up on it and this image we have is all we've ever known?  We've lived in a world where...where Pippa Middleton's tiny lumps booty gets national acclaim.  AHHHHH!  If only it were a dream...